Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
From: xetwnk@shell.portal.com (Chris F Chiesa)
Subject: Christ at a Kegger
Keywords: Wish I'd Written It
Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1993 15:17:21 GMT

Found the following, which seems to have originated on soc.motss, but which
I found, myself, reposted to a local BBS totally unaffiliated with the Net!
Thought you folks'd enjoy it; I know I certainly did!  My only regret is 
that I didn't write it -- it's done in JUST my literary style!
---
 
Article 53567 of soc.motss:
From: thaaang@spdcc.com (John Dorrance)
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: An important news item
Date: 28 Sep 93 23:48:15 GMT
Lines: 93

TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF JESUS CHRIST ADDS EXCITEMENT TO KEGGER
Dozens of Lucky Underage Drinkers Get Baptized - in Beer!

(copied without permission from _the Onion_, a local newsmagazine)

Those in attendance at Andy Habershanker's beer bash last Friday were
delighted to entertain an unexpected visitor when the Lord Jesus Christ
materialized above a keg of beer, ending an almost 2,000 year period of
non-intervention in earthly matters. Although Jesus was initially
judgemental of the group of drunken college students, He was quick to
mingle with the crowd and ended up staying at the party for nearly
three hours. "I was really worried that He would send me to hell or
some shit like that," said Habershanker, "but it turns out He was just
looking for a good time and some cheap beer."
After Jesus introduced himself to Habershanker, the excited host was 
quick to welcome the Son of God, giving Him a discount on a cup and
introducing Him to his housemates. Jesus seemed appreciative of the
hospitable gestures, although assured Habershanker that He already
knew everyone at the party. To demonstrate, He then pointed at a
group of people and remarked on how many hairs were on each of their
heads.
Jesus' attendance saved the party, which was up until then boring and
unsuccessful. According to Habershanker, guests were complaining that
the crowd had gotten too big, and that the mix-tape being played was
"lame." Once Jesus appeared, however, people seemed to forget their
qualms, rejoicing in His presence and joyfully singing hymns. "Jesus
made us feel like we were all players in Our Heavenly Father's plan,
where before we were just a sweaty, uncomfortable crowd," said one
partygoer. "This was the best kegger ever!"
After only a few beers, Jesus, or "Jeez" as He came to be known, began
to show signs of mortal fallibility. He was seen spilling a beer on
His loincloth, and repeatedly spoke of his strained relationship with
His father. "He said that living in the light of God wasn't all it's
cracked up to be," said Erika Matthews, a sophomore majoring in graphic
design. "God was always on his case to come down here and fix things up,
and was always bugging Jeez to get a haircut."
But Jesus' dismay soon turned to delight for all. The Lord proved to be
a natural at "quarters", hitting an unprecedented 18,000 in a row. "He
totally cheated," claimed one witness, convinced that Jesus had used a
well-timed miracle to accomplish the feat.
The Lord also impressed His new friends by draining a "beer bong",
although found Himself at the butt of jokes when an entire 42 ounces
of Busch Light leaked out of the sword wound in his side. It was this
leak, together with Jesus' wine-like blood, which imparted upon Him an
unusually high tolerance for alcohol. In fact, Jesus almost single-
handedly drained a keg dry, but was quick to compensate for his
gluttony by turning water from the kitchen faucet into fine imported
beer.
Jesus' finest moment, however, came when He saved the party from being
busted by police. Emily Stillson, an underage party-goer, explained that
she and everyone else at the kegger could have been severely fined were
it not for the Lord's divine intervention. "When someone yelled 'cops,'
we all ran for the back door," she explained, "but Jeez told us not to
fear, for we were all His flock. Anyway, once Jeez threatened the cops
with time in purgatory, they left us alone."
Unfortunately, as the night wore on, Jesus became more confrontational
toward the non-believers in the group. From a slumped-over position in
a secluded corner, He spouted insults and accusations at the crowd,
occasionally taking belts from a bottle of tequila. "He kept rambling
on about how He would pass final holy judgement on us there and then,"
said Habershanker, "but He was obviously just too tanked. When He
started harassing some of the female guests for not being virgins, we
had to ask him to leave."
Jesus was walked to the door by Habershanker and told to "walk off"
the effects of the alcohol. Seemingly embarassed by His behavior,
Jesus offered a slurred apology to the other guests and reminded them
to always go to church on Ash Wednesday. After checking to make sure
that Jesus wouldn't be driving a car, Habershanker pointed Christ in
the direction of the nearest homeless shelter and sent Him walking
away. Jesus was last seen miraculously stumbling across the surface of
the water in a nearby viaduct.
Despite Jesus' antisocial behavior as the night grew late, most of the
guests who met Him didn't seem to hold a grudge, and many showed up
for church the next morning. "We've all had our share of bad drunken
experiences," said Father Patrick McCollough to the crowd of dishevel-
led students who attended his mass. "We should all be willing to
forgive Jesus for His actions. He died on the cross so that you kids
could party!"
Religious scholars around the world cannot be certain where Jesus will
next appear, but most agree that the actual Second Coming will not
occur until Christ our Lord recovers from what is undoubtedly the
worst hangover since biblical times.